Ryder and I got to therapy a little early today. When this happens, we wait in the lobby area, waiting for his SLP. He was in a good mood. Being silly. He walked back to where we meet once the SLP arrived. But, being asked to sit down threw him off. He wasn't interested in participating from minute one. The SLP offered the trains she brings weekly, but was only able to find 2 (of 3) in her bag. Ryder was upset by this. She started with the iPad, knowing he is typically motivated by this...he was not interested. We were able to coax him into participating for about 1/2 of the session. Then, he lost it. He refused to practice the sounds/words. He would repeat "no", or be completely silent when asked a question. The SLP switched multiple times to different activities, but he refused - he started asking for "robot" - a specific app on the iPad. She allowed him to use this one, then tried to get him to complete a set of practice sounds/words, and offered to let him see the "robot" again. Ryder refused. He cried. He screamed. He fell silent. He repeated again and again.
When we went to leave, Ryder continued to cry much of the way out, but settled once we got outside. The SLP tried to reassure me it was okay. It happens. She is used to this. He will be better next week.
But, today...today, I felt defeated. I know Ryder wanted to explain more. I know it wasn't simply that he wanted a specific app - when it was offered, he wasn't happy. I don't know what was wrong. He couldn't articulate it.
I HATE APRAXIA.
You could see how frustrated he was. But, in the moment, I became frustrated with him. Angry that he wouldn't settle down. That he was causing a scene. That people were looking at us as if he was a horrible child. The SLP never made me feel this way - I am grateful for that.
When we got in the car, I put Ryder in his carseat, and explained that I was mad. And sad. I was upset he would not participate when his SLP tried to work with him. I was sad that he had been so mean. He acknowledged me. I told him we would not be talking until he apologized - and asked if he understood. He replied, yes. The car ride was silent to pick up his brothers. I choked back tears as we drove. I know I didn't cause his meltdown, but I couldn't do anything to help him. We picked up his brothers, and I cried as I buckled in the second baby. Ryder looked so sad. I was frustrated. When I got in the car, ready to back out, Ryder looked at me - he said "mom, ne (me) hi (cry) too" - as he wiped tears that were falling down his cheeks. I affirmed his statement, and asked if he was ready to say he was sorry, and to be nice. He replied, no. The car ride home was mostly silent. We were both hurt. I think Harvick and Jarrett could sense it - they ate from their snack cups, just babbling softly to themselves. When we pulled into our driveway, Ryder told me he was "sah-re (sorry), mom". We talked about why I was frustrated, and what he can do when he gets frustrated. Once Patrick was home, I spent 15 minutes with him, one-on-one, using his iPad, and the apps the SLP was trying to engage him in today. He participated. Extremely well. When he got distracted, I reminded him that if he practiced nicely, we could be done sooner.
I told Patrick I felt like a failure. He reassures me I'm not. And, deep down, I know it is okay. Every parent has these moments. I just wish Ryder could express what he wants, needs, thinks, etc. His verbal expression limits him immensely. Days like today make me pray a little harder that Harvick and Jarrett don't also have Apraxia of Speech. It's something I think about most days.
Again, the point of this post isn't to be dramatic. I am fully aware that there are many people who deal with bigger issues. I get it. But, in the moment that your child is unable to communicate with you, and you feel overwhelmingly helpless, it is the worst thing in the world.
Next week will be better, I'm confident.
One-step-at-a-time.
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| CASNA |
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